 1 “The discussion in my head continues” In one way or another, I have thought about it for each of the past three thousand, six hundred and fifty days. Ten years ago, today, I fell from a horse – and everything changed. As I write now, I ask myself, “Is that true? Has everything changed?” In answer to myself, I say, “define everything… what specifically has changed?” The discussion in my head continues as it has many times, leading to “what really happened?” For me, the significance of reality as a theme I would be wrestling with as I healed, came when I was told, “there was no cat.” More on that later. It is interesting to note that the inception of thinking deeply on matters ontological began long before having a traumatic brain injury. Until I got my first car mid-way through my sophomore year in high school, I walked the mile or so to school. One day, as I walked across the girls’ soccer field on the way to the band room, I heard what I imagined were gunshots in the woods off to my left. I stopped, and for the first time I can remember, pondered on the nature of reality; were they gunshots? Was I shot? How many dimensions are there in the universe? Was I shot in one dimension but not in the one I was in; but had a glimpse into a different reality by hearing the shots?” My 15-year-old brain was in full gear.  2“It was not a little exhilarating” I have often recalled that day back in ’82 but never more clearly than in late July 2010. It had been perhaps six-weeks since Lynn, the kids and I had driven in a rented car to Western Belize from Belize City to celebrate the boys’ birthdays with a family day together on horseback. After we spent a short time getting to know our horses and our guide, we were on our way. Before long, against her wishes, Jessie’s horse took off and was very quickly, really moving. My horse seemed most pleased that I was intent on catching up to her and before long, was at a full run – no vertical motion – just pure speed. It was not a little exhilarating and, in my mind, I was formulating a foolhardy plan I knew I would not carry out, to leap from my horse while galloping at two-hundred miles per hour, to Jessie’s horse and save my daughter! I could see up ahead, that the trail/road we were on came to a T. I was not a total novice horseman, but did lack considerable experience. As I tried to get my horse to slow down, he seemed to go even faster and I remember my Mariners baseball hat flying off my head. I remember thinking to myself “When we get to the T, will he turn left, right or jump right over the fence?” And then, the moment that would change my life forever came when my horse turned quickly to the left. Before I fell, I remember feeling like we had not slowed down at all and was sincerely concerned that I was not in control. I must have blacked out somewhere between the back of the horse and the rocky, dirt trail that interrupted my descent. I don’t remember anything from that moment until after being awakened from a medically induced coma days later. But now, let’s go back to six weeks after the accident.  3“What’s up with this cat?” In July 2010, Lynn and I were talking one morning as we often did. We were both reeling from the most traumatic experience either of us had ever had and recalling some of the events from the past month and a half. And then as Lynn lovingly, carefully and somewhat playfully informed me that there was not a cat in my hospital room, I experienced a massive collision of The Matrix, Shutter Island, Fight Club, Donny Darko and my walk across the soccer field in high school. What is real? One day sometime after coming out of the ICU, the air conditioner in my hospital room stopped working. As a nurse wheeled me into a new room, our doctor, Dr. Cervantes (the only neurosurgeon in Belize) was already there. I found it a bit odd that there was a cat sitting in the chair next to my new bed. I can still vividly remember the cooing sound it made as it gracefully leaped off the chair to the floor. I remember mentioning to Dr. Cervantes that I was aware that, of course, this room was not sterile, but saying “what’s up with this cat?” As clearly as I can remember the cat, I can also remember the peculiar look that Dr. Cervantes gave over my left shoulder to where Lynn was standing. When, weeks later, Lynn told me that there was no cat, I didn’t believe her. I remember the cat so vividly today that I sometimes harmlessly still wonder if the cat was, in fact, actually there. As it turns out, there were more than a few other events that had certainly occurred during my two and a half weeks in the hospital – that I was now being told, didn’t actually occur. What is real? 4“My journey…had received a greater sense of gravity” For over two-years, anti-seizure, anti-psychotic, anti-depressant, and anti-pain drugs aided both in reconnecting broken neural pathways and in reconciling an injured brain to a life well underway. Elements of those healing processes remain to this day albeit without most of the meds. I also continue to make progress in my curious quest for a greater understanding on things real, things imagined, things suppressed, things contrived, things suggested and things forgotten. By perhaps five years after the accident, I was coming to the place where I had a much better understanding of some of the strange, unhealthy and destructive behavior I had engaged in since the accident. From the perspective of now, looking back to when I just began to connect my perception of what had been going on with the actual facts, my journey to understand the complexity surrounding reality had received a greater sense of gravity. Like the confidence I had that there was indeed a cat, I had a firm belief that even early on, I was much further along the healing process than it turns out that I actually was. I said and did things that for which, whenever possible, I have since asked forgiveness. I came to realize that I had hurt people with my words and especially the way in which they were said. It is likely that there are others that I hurt that I remain unaware of. Jessie coined the term “mad zone” which turns out to be a very appropriate label. I was not physically angry but when I was in ‘mad zone’, everyone knew it, except for me. Lynn would declare a “blue light day” and staff on the YWAM campus in Belize knew exactly what she meant. As the years passed, periods of ‘mad zone’ started to become more limited to incidents and I began to become more aware of them – and would eventually be able to, for the most part, control them. Today, they are rare, but still surface from time to time. 5 “Lynn deserves accolades far greater than is possible” Next to The Lord as the hero of this story, Lynn deserves accolades far greater than is possible. In the midst of co-leading a thriving YWAM campus, and in the middle of a DTS school she plans a fun, family adventure to celebrate two of her kids’ birthdays. Not long after they mounted their horses, her daughter and husband take off at high speed. After a short time, up ahead in the distance, she can tell that something is wrong. As she and the boys get closer, Lynn can see her daughter crouched and leaning over her husband who is seemingly lifeless in the dirt. A million thoughts must have filled her head: “what happened? Are they okay? Chris is not moving. Is he dead? Jessie is crying, is she hurt too? What happened?” Lynn and the kids do their best to assess the situation; it looks bad. A cell phone is used to call the driver of the van that delivered Lynn and her family to where they would begin their ride from where they parked their rented vehicle. Surely there was much confusion as every available emotion vied for attention. By the time the van arrived, although he was totally out of it, he was alive, eyes sort of open and although mostly unintelligible, tried to speak. The question at hand now, was how to get Chris into the van, he’s not exactly small and easy to move. Lynn tells Chris, “we are going to go to the hospital now”, to which he replies, “you guys go ahead, I’ll just stay here.” Somehow, Lynn kept it all together. Since I have no recollection of them, I could not do justice to the very many details of what occurred and what she went through in the hours and days following the accident. I know from listening to Lynn and the others who were involved and by reading the excellent log that Lynn kept of all this, that the first stop was to the closest medical facility, a small clinic in Western Belize not far from the border with Guatemala. I am told that I didn’t like the catheter at all – and that for the most part, I was rather uncooperative. I know that some tests were done but mostly, the thought at the time was to get me to Belize City as quickly as possible, since things did not look good. It is difficult to even imagine the turmoil that was going on inside of Lynn in the midst of all that was happening on the outside. When the ambulance arrived at Belize Healthcare Partners, one of two private hospitals in Belize at the time, the chaos we had become quite familiar with by living and serving in developing nations continued right on through the hospital doors as I was rolled into the ER. At this point, Lynn did not know if she would soon be planning a funeral or a party. The next few days were excruciatingly difficult for Lynn. Many tests, CT scans, MRI’s, were preformed revealing that I had two occipital skull fractures and my brain had tears, was bleeding and swelling dangerously. The medical team in Belize, in close consultation with Lynn, decided to place me in a medically induced coma. The big decision before Lynn at this time was whether to remain in Belize, or relocate the medical venue to the States where care is far superior. Related to the possible air evacuation, Lynn faced many decisions, mountains of paperwork, a very significant financial need (miraculously met), a YWAM campus to run, three kids to sort out, and not the least important – the fact that I was in a coma at the time. Lynn spent much time on the phone with trusted friends in the medical community and with prayer warriors. As Lynn described the care I was receiving, both Bud Busby, (a good friend and anesthesiologist we know from Mercy Ships), and Chief of Emergency Medicine, Dr. Chuck Pilcher, (a good friend from our sending church in Washington State), saw no red flags were raised and they both felt the care I was receiving seemed to be sound but agreed that the care in the States would be better. Just as all the preparations for a medical evacuation flight were complete and about to be put in motion, Dr. Cervantes shared with Lynn that my condition had improved and he wanted to awaken me from the coma, and recommended that we remain in Belize rather than evacuate to the States. He felt that, all things considered, that would be the best course of action. Lynn agreed and we did not go to the States at that time. The next two weeks brought gradual improvement and I can remember some of what occurred during that time, especially some of the events that ended up not actually happening. What was actually happening however, was that I was agitated, confused, and far from pleasant to be around – at times downright mean. I was not dead, but I was not myself. 6“Thousands were praying from all over the world” One of the most significant phenomena enveloping this season of uncertainty was, and continues to be, the place of prayer. Lynn spent hours communicating with countless people, writing regular Facebook posts, seeking prayer, and crying out to the Lord. Through her efforts, and God’s leading, thousands were praying from all over the world. Someone in particular who has significantly impacted our lives is our friend Nancy Frederick. She has inspired and encouraged us, spoken into our lives, and consistently pointed us to Jesus. Lynn and Nancy spent good time over the phone together while I was in the hospital and she prayerfully spoke powerful words over the whole situation and for Lynn personally. Nancy’s prayers along with those of very many others, surely ushered in the hand of God in my healing and gave Lynn the strength and encouragement she needed to get through this horrific ordeal. 7“…irrationality he saw in his father…” Jessie, our youngest, was here with us in Kona for a time recently. She and I talked a bit about the past ten years. She was 14 when we went horseback riding and for a lot of her growing up, was unsure if her dad was going to have a good day or bad, good moment or bad – always in the process of healing but often not fun to be around. I can only imagine how unsettling that would have been for her. When I talk with Josh, he talks about what it was like for him to see the different ways people handle conflict. He also empathetically cogitates what it must have been like for me. Will (Cameron) our oldest, reflects on the past ten years recalling times of uncertainty he experienced, wondering how to respond to the uneven rationality he saw in his father. Again, looking back, what my family went through would not have been at all easy. I am so thankful for their love, support, patience, and closeness as our family remained tight through it all. It is fascinating to consider that Lynn and the kids understood me and the reality of the situation far better than I did, and perhaps still do. 8 “I am not a basket case – at least I don’t think I am” Physiologically, I have a traumatic brain injury (TBI) with five encephalalgic voids in my brain (encephalalgia is the process of damaging or destroying tissue as blood recedes from an area where it has accumulated). These small areas of dead tissue are scattered throughout my brain which have affected or are affecting balance, emotion, taste, decision making / inhibition, and anxiety. Cognition in general was not affected. In fact, beginning a little more than a year after the accident, I went back to school (mostly online) and in five years, had received two different graduate degrees. The teaching and travel part of my work with YWAM were eventually, again running at full speed. I am excited to have recently visited my 102nd country on this planet. I had an MRI about five years ago and then another just recently revealing nothing appreciably different with the physical state of my brain between the two scans. My mind however, is far from remaining constant. I am not a basket case – at least I don’t think I am. I am rational, reasonable, and responsible – at least I think I am. I am alive, somebody say hallelujah – I am pretty sure that I am alive. I know myself to be an enigmatic mash-up of thinker/doer, and I think perhaps more of both as a result of the accident. But I’d say the thinker part has become more dominant. I have noticed an interesting change in the way I think and see things in that I see connections I don’t believe I had noticed before. For example, picture an hour-long conversation with a group of people consisting of a number of topics. Now, If I am part of that conversation, I will see the relationship between the different topics and unthinkingly connect or readdress them to make or reinforce a point. Interesting. 9 “If you’ve ever studied and pondered Plato’s Cave Analogy…” Whenever my mom, dad and I have the chance to be together, we (particularly my dad and I) very much enjoy taking time to deeply into one interesting topic or another. One day a few years back we had such a conversation and drew some fascinating comparisons, made observations, and posed questions such as “what is the difference between the brain and the mind? Is understanding the brain, science – and understanding the mind, mystical? Where does neuroscience stop and matters spiritual start? Surely a consideration of the mind goes well beyond psychology. Surely talk of synapses, gray matter and neural impulses ultimately transcend that which can be quantified.” I love my dad. This conversation with him fit seamlessly into much I was thinking about at the time, and now, as I ponder the deeper elements of what has transpired over the past ten years. What does it mean to think? Was Descartes on to something? I am finding myself exceedingly drawn to matters philosophical, particularly the metaphysical. If you’ve ever studied and pondered Plato’s Cave Analogy, or are familiar with some of Nietzsche’s ideas on perspectivism, you’ll know what I mean. I look at the following list of ideas related to being and reality (from the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy) and nod, “yeah…” “Being is; not-being is not” [Parmenides];“Essence precedes existence” [Avicenna, paraphrased];“Existence in reality is greater than existence in the understanding alone” [St Anselm, paraphrased];“Existence is a perfection” [Descartes, paraphrased];“Being is a logical, not a real predicate” [Kant, paraphrased];“Being is the most barren and abstract of all categories” [Hegel, paraphrased];“Affirmation of existence is in fact nothing but denial of the number zero” [Frege];“Universals do not exist but rather subsist or have being” [Russell, paraphrased];“To be is to be the value of a bound variable” [Quine].This is a short and far from exhaustive list representing but one of many strains of thought that has gained my attention. This leads me to ponder the fact that I am one person, and there are nearly eight billion others living on this planet – what has their attention? Is their perspective on what is real more valid than mine – even though I am not entirely sure how to define my perspective; can they? What is your perspective on what is real? 10“Is reality like truth in that there are varying degrees of it…?” Everyone has opinions. I submit there is no such thing as truly unbiased. My objective in this section is neither to share my opinions nor attempt to persuade you in any way. What I hope to get across is the interesting relationship between my ponderings on reality as a result my experiences during and since the accident ten years ago and the way I feel when I watch the news or surf the Internet. Is this real? Many of the questions I was asking nine or ten years ago had to do with whether thing actually took place or had brain damage and Demerol magically invented a new form of reality just for me. Some of the questions I ask myself now, related to current events, various movements, politics, social justice, and a host of others, are not all that different. It is interesting to explore the relationship between what is real and what is true. Coronavirus for example: The virus is real, but what is true about the worldwide pandemic the likes of which no one alive has ever seen. Statistics, information, facts, restrictions, politics, money, death, economies, fear, trust; how does one reconcile all of this? Another form of virus also in the news right now is defined variously by whichever banner is flying most prominently. When the black criminal Floyd, was unjustly killed by the white police officer Chauvin, all hell broke loose. Emphatic about remaining on track, I ask, “what should we think about all this? In reality, the killing surely took place but what is really behind all the emotion?” Go deep with me on this. What is true, what is real beyond the facts of the matter? Was it really race related? What is racism; really? What is white privilege; really? Is Colin Kaepernick, actually right? Is there an agenda behind all the violence? Is the reaction justified? What’s up with Antifa? Is there an issue below the surface that influences that which we are aware of? What’s up with the media? Can we trust it? What/Who is the media? What is real? What is spin and what is strait? We could easily expand this list of questions and fill volumes. In summary, more deep questions. Of everything that we are aware of, which things are real? Is reality like truth in that there are varying degrees of it in any given situation? The best lies, for example, have plenty of truth mixed in so they will be believable. What should have our attention and what should we ignore, what should bring peace and what should stir us up? The word “should” brings up another exhaustive list of questions. Before I accidentally go there, let’s bring these thoughts of the past ten years to a close. 11 “…all things work together for good; somehow…” Okay, I’ll come back to reality now. I didn’t die in the accident ten years ago. I love being alive! I love my wife, my family, my purpose in life. I love my God. I do not believe that everything happens for a reason, but I love that in Christ, all things do work together for good; somehow; one way or another; even when we don’t see it or imagine that it is possible. Looking back over the past ten years, my heart is not filled with pain, anguish, discouragement, frustration, and anger. Those things have had a part, but a long time ago I stopped asking “why?” in favor of “what for?” Falling off the horse and everything surrounding that moment in time is part of my history. It affected a lot of people in a lot of different ways. It has certainly affected me, and not only for the worst. I have come to the place where I know there was no cat, but what it has taken to get there is profound and filled with pondermentation. Maybe I’ll expand on all this and actually write someday. Perhaps. Thank you for reading this. Thank you for being a real part of my life. May God richly bless you. I’ll leave you with this: In your own quest to understand reality, may you see God for who He really; meow. Chris Toney 17 June, 2020 |
What A Decade!
Chris & Lynn and the PandemicYou may be wondering how does one do missions work while there is pandemic going on? Now more than ever the work of full-time missions is critical for those struggling with the world wide pandemic. Everyone needs easy access to the Bible to brings comfort, answers and light.
Chris is able to work from home, enabling his work with original biblical languages to be an immediate benefit to reach the lost and dramatically aid in translation work.
For Lynn, counseling has moved from face to face, in person counseling to talking over FaceTime and Zoom with those who need a listening ear and prayer.
The beauty of technology provides much needed times of, encouragement and prayer for staff but also to the greater community we live in where people are fearful, stressed and need Gods love to see them through the days ahead as the pandemic continues to wreak havoc with our day to day lives.
~ The bible transforms individual lives, but it can also change nations.~
New Life
They say that things change within your heart when your kid, has a kid. That has certainly been the case with the arrival of William Cylas Toney. Cylas was born on Valentines Day to our oldest son Will ( goes by his first name now) and his lovely wife Adrienne. Lynn was able to fly right before things got tricky with the virus to help out with baby and help Will and Adrienne move We are so blessed with our first grandson and couldn’t be more proud of Will. Can’t wait til the next time we can connect with these three.
What a Decade!
10 years. So much has happened. 10 years – each and every one of you walking with us, praying for us and being side by side with us in missions. 10 years – you, our supporters, have journeyed with us through the tears and the joys. 10 years of ups and downs. Let us look back over the last decade to some major highlights of Chris and Lynn in missions; serving those around the world and in their local community.
Accidents Happen
Having two accidents in the early months of 2010 was an experience we both would rather not repeat. Lynn’s boating accident, a collision between a water taxi on which she was riding and another boat, left bumps, bruises and a severe shoulder dislocation for Lynn, and a fatality on the other boat. Months of doctor and PT visits while doing rehab exercises were left interrupted by the second accident of 2010. Chris was throw from an horse during a family day out celebrating our two oldest son’s 18th and 16th birthdays. Chris sustained major injuries to his brain resulting in a long stay in the hospital, medically induced coma and several medical tests to determine that a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) has long lasting and irreversible damage.
What we learned in those early months of the decade: That you can and will have strong support and will tangibly see the results of countless people praying and have the knowledge that you are never alone in God’s embrace and love.
What we are still learning: That life can be lived to the fullest no matter the obstacles; and that a change in course, no matter the size or the event, can bring new things, great things if we only hear, obey and trust in the Lord.
God is our refuge and strength, our ever present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1
Boat’s Goodbye
Living on boats and calling them home for almost 5 years while doing full time missions, while homeschooling your 3 kids, while running DTS schools, while living in VERY small quarters, while overseeing the day to day operations of two large Catamarans was an exhilarating experience to say the least. From hurricane seasons and sailing to safe harbors, to seeing God in nature, to watching students come to a deeper relationship with their Lord, to the perfect sunset, to breakdowns and missing parts, to down pours of rain, to dolphins frocking in the bow, to dark nights of long sails, to worshiping God on the water, saying goodbye to the boats in order to be full-time on land brought a mixture of emotions.
What we learned: An experience of a lifetime. That God will meet you in the most unexpected ways. To hold fast to a dream created by Him. To never give up, even when everyone around you says otherwise.
Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in touch with the Spirit. Galatians 5:25
The Nest is Empty
2013 marked the beginning for Chris and Lynn of what is affectionally called “Empty Nesting” in the U.S. It’s the season of when all of your kids are out of the house and on their own. Will (Cameron), Josh and Jessie were moving into adult living while Chris and Lynn where able to expand ministry focus to include travel and teaching abroad while still serving as base leaders in Belize.
What we learned: That hard work, trusting the Lord with your kids, being consistent and showing Gods love to them, can pay off to be blessed with amazing adult kids. **If you’re in the season of child rearing, have hope your love and care will pay off.
Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old, he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6
The Passing of the Baton
We don’t know about you, but often times the Lord moves through big events and/or changes, prayer, ideas, nudges, scripture or what the world would call a “coincidence”. Looking back now, there were signs; there were things already in motion (remember the comment about learning?) that started off slowly and built momentum as we handed off of our roles as base leaders of Destination Paradise, a Youth With a Mission training base originally founded on sailing boats, and eventually became a strong training campus with over a hundred students each year completing schools, outreaches and internships.
What we learned: What you think you are going to do forever can change… be open to the possibility of bigger and better as the Lord guides and directs your path. Do you have the faith to step out into the unknown? Sure you do; just trust Him and He will show you the way.
For we walk by faith, not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7
New Beginnings (again)
Starting off in missions in 1997 left us with the exhilaration and excitement of what have we done?! sense of nervousness for what was next. Who would have known that the Lord would take us, teach us, train us, be with us, and guide us in so many different ways (Mercy Ships, Captain, homeschooler, teacher, trainer, counselor, bible scholar etc..), taking us all over the world and reaching countless people. Leaving Belize allowed for a widening the net, going deeper with new things. He landed us in Kona, but He paved the way for us to travel, to teach and to go.
What we learned: Anything is possible with the Lord. Hold on tight! You might think you know what the ride will be like, but it turns out to be the ride of a lifetime complete with immeasurable faith and heart pounding experiences. Given the choice, we wouldn’t change it for anything!
With man, this is impossible, but with God, all things are possible. Matt 19:26
Let Us Learn (more)
In hindsight, it is easy to see where the Lord was directing both Chris and Lynn from 2011 and onward to the later part of the decade. Who would have known that both of us would continue education beyond university in fields that we love and that we would engage that learning so extensively and internationally in the coming years, and now in, of all places, at the U of N campus in Kona Hawaii. Chris started in 2011 with the first of 2 masters degrees through Fuller Seminary. Our neurologist has said many times that Chris’s academic studies helped him in the early years of recovery by stimulating healing by learning. Lynn followed a few years later with the desire to glean more information in the field of counseling and coaching. Association of Christian Biblical Counselors certification was quite stretching with a steep earning curve. Both of our certifications and degrees are used every day for the greater progress of the kingdom.
What we learned in the process of more education: That you’re never too old to learn. That there is so much out there to do, see and be a part of when education has been fostered, nurtured and grown.
Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me- put into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. Philippians 4:9
No More
How do you explain the term gut wrenching? That pit in your stomach? That headache that comes from stress? That sinking feeling of dreams lost, vision blurred and plans that will cease to happen? Living and doing ministry in Belize was always tricky. Did we see things coming as they unfolded? No. Were there always challenges with the Belizean government from the first day we sailed into this beautiful nation? Yes. Could the base and its new leadership have done anything to stop the ways of a corrupt government? No. The base closure still has long term effects for us both, former YWAM DP staff and those Belizeans we loved and were blessed to be a part of their lives. We always trust that the Lord has hopes and dreams far beyond what we can imagine or understand.
What we learned: That in the storm, you may not know, can’t see, or feel the reasons for what is happening- but can trust that this too shall pass. When you’re in the midst of the pain, God can and will bring clarity, love and care to his kids.
See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. Isaiah 43:19