1
“The discussion in my head continues”
In one way or another, I have thought about it for each of the past three thousand, six hundred and fifty days. Ten years ago, today, I fell from a horse – and everything changed. As I write now, I ask myself, “Is that true? Has everything changed?” In answer to myself, I say, “define everything… what specifically has changed?” The discussion in my head continues as it has many times, leading to “what really happened?” For me, the significance of reality as a theme I would be wrestling with as I healed, came when I was told, “there was no cat.” More on that later. It is interesting to note that the inception of thinking deeply on matters ontological began long before having a traumatic brain injury.
Until I got my first car mid-way through my sophomore year in high school, I walked the mile or so to school. One day, as I walked across the girls’ soccer field on the way to the band room, I heard what I imagined were gunshots in the woods off to my left. I stopped, and for the first time I can remember, pondered on the nature of reality; were they gunshots? Was I shot? How many dimensions are there in the universe? Was I shot in one dimension but not in the one I was in; but had a glimpse into a different reality by hearing the shots?” My 15-year-old brain was in full gear.
 2
“It was not a little exhilarating”
I have often recalled that day back in ’82 but never more clearly than in late July 2010. It had been perhaps six-weeks since Lynn, the kids and I had driven in a rented car to Western Belize from Belize City to celebrate the boys’ birthdays with a family day together on horseback. After we spent a short time getting to know our horses and our guide, we were on our way. Before long, against her wishes, Jessie’s horse took off and was very quickly, really moving. My horse seemed most pleased that I was intent on catching up to her and before long, was at a full run – no vertical motion – just pure speed. It was not a little exhilarating and, in my mind, I was formulating a foolhardy plan I knew I would not carry out, to leap from my horse while galloping at two-hundred miles per hour, to Jessie’s horse and save my daughter! I could see up ahead, that the trail/road we were on came to a T. I was not a total novice horseman, but did lack considerable experience. As I tried to get my horse to slow down, he seemed to go even faster and I remember my Mariners baseball hat flying off my head. I remember thinking to myself “When we get to the T, will he turn left, right or jump right over the fence?”
And then, the moment that would change my life forever came when my horse turned quickly to the left. Before I fell, I remember feeling like we had not slowed down at all and was sincerely concerned that I was not in control. I must have blacked out somewhere between the back of the horse and the rocky, dirt trail that interrupted my descent. I don’t remember anything from that moment until after being awakened from a medically induced coma days later. But now, let’s go back to six weeks after the accident.
 3
“What’s up with this cat?”
In July 2010, Lynn and I were talking one morning as we often did. We were both reeling from the most traumatic experience either of us had ever had and recalling some of the events from the past month and a half. And then as Lynn lovingly, carefully and somewhat playfully informed me that there was not a cat in my hospital room, I experienced a massive collision of The Matrix, Shutter Island, Fight Club, Donny Darko and my walk across the soccer field in high school. What is real?
One day sometime after coming out of the ICU, the air conditioner in my hospital room stopped working. As a nurse wheeled me into a new room, our doctor, Dr. Cervantes (the only neurosurgeon in Belize) was already there. I found it a bit odd that there was a cat sitting in the chair next to my new bed. I can still vividly remember the cooing sound it made as it gracefully leaped off the chair to the floor. I remember mentioning to Dr. Cervantes that I was aware that, of course, this room was not sterile, but saying “what’s up with this cat?” As clearly as I can remember the cat, I can also remember the peculiar look that Dr. Cervantes gave over my left shoulder to where Lynn was standing.
When, weeks later, Lynn told me that there was no cat, I didn’t believe her. I remember the cat so vividly today that I sometimes harmlessly still wonder if the cat was, in fact, actually there. As it turns out, there were more than a few other events that had certainly occurred during my two and a half weeks in the hospital – that I was now being told, didn’t actually occur. What is real?
4
“My journey…had received a greater sense of gravity”
For over two-years, anti-seizure, anti-psychotic, anti-depressant, and anti-pain drugs aided both in reconnecting broken neural pathways and in reconciling an injured brain to a life well underway. Elements of those healing processes remain to this day albeit without most of the meds. I also continue to make progress in my curious quest for a greater understanding on things real, things imagined, things suppressed, things contrived, things suggested and things forgotten. By perhaps five years after the accident, I was coming to the place where I had a much better understanding of some of the strange, unhealthy and destructive behavior I had engaged in since the accident. From the perspective of now, looking back to when I just began to connect my perception of what had been going on with the actual facts, my journey to understand the complexity surrounding reality had received a greater sense of gravity.
Like the confidence I had that there was indeed a cat, I had a firm belief that even early on, I was much further along the healing process than it turns out that I actually was. I said and did things that for which, whenever possible, I have since asked forgiveness. I came to realize that I had hurt people with my words and especially the way in which they were said. It is likely that there are others that I hurt that I remain unaware of. Jessie coined the term “mad zone” which turns out to be a very appropriate label. I was not physically angry but when I was in ‘mad zone’, everyone knew it, except for me. Lynn would declare a “blue light day” and staff on the YWAM campus in Belize knew exactly what she meant.
As the years passed, periods of ‘mad zone’ started to become more limited to incidents and I began to become more aware of them – and would eventually be able to, for the most part, control them. Today, they are rare, but still surface from time to time.
5
“Lynn deserves accolades far greater than is possible”
Next to The Lord as the hero of this story, Lynn deserves accolades far greater than is possible. In the midst of co-leading a thriving YWAM campus, and in the middle of a DTS school she plans a fun, family adventure to celebrate two of her kids’ birthdays. Not long after they mounted their horses, her daughter and husband take off at high speed. After a short time, up ahead in the distance, she can tell that something is wrong. As she and the boys get closer, Lynn can see her daughter crouched and leaning over her husband who is seemingly lifeless in the dirt. A million thoughts must have filled her head: “what happened? Are they okay? Chris is not moving. Is he dead? Jessie is crying, is she hurt too? What happened?” Lynn and the kids do their best to assess the situation; it looks bad. A cell phone is used to call the driver of the van that delivered Lynn and her family to where they would begin their ride from where they parked their rented vehicle. Surely there was much confusion as every available emotion vied for attention. By the time the van arrived, although he was totally out of it, he was alive, eyes sort of open and although mostly unintelligible, tried to speak. The question at hand now, was how to get Chris into the van, he’s not exactly small and easy to move. Lynn tells Chris, “we are going to go to the hospital now”, to which he replies, “you guys go ahead, I’ll just stay here.” Somehow, Lynn kept it all together.
Since I have no recollection of them, I could not do justice to the very many details of what occurred and what she went through in the hours and days following the accident. I know from listening to Lynn and the others who were involved and by reading the excellent log that Lynn kept of all this, that the first stop was to the closest medical facility, a small clinic in Western Belize not far from the border with Guatemala. I am told that I didn’t like the catheter at all – and that for the most part, I was rather uncooperative. I know that some tests were done but mostly, the thought at the time was to get me to Belize City as quickly as possible, since things did not look good.
It is difficult to even imagine the turmoil that was going on inside of Lynn in the midst of all that was happening on the outside. When the ambulance arrived at Belize Healthcare Partners, one of two private hospitals in Belize at the time, the chaos we had become quite familiar with by living and serving in developing nations continued right on through the hospital doors as I was rolled into the ER.
At this point, Lynn did not know if she would soon be planning a funeral or a party. The next few days were excruciatingly difficult for Lynn. Many tests, CT scans, MRI’s, were preformed revealing that I had two occipital skull fractures and my brain had tears, was bleeding and swelling dangerously. The medical team in Belize, in close consultation with Lynn, decided to place me in a medically induced coma.
The big decision before Lynn at this time was whether to remain in Belize, or relocate the medical venue to the States where care is far superior. Related to the possible air evacuation, Lynn faced many decisions, mountains of paperwork, a very significant financial need (miraculously met), a YWAM campus to run, three kids to sort out, and not the least important – the fact that I was in a coma at the time. Lynn spent much time on the phone with trusted friends in the medical community and with prayer warriors. As Lynn described the care I was receiving, both Bud Busby, (a good friend and anesthesiologist we know from Mercy Ships), and Chief of Emergency Medicine, Dr. Chuck Pilcher, (a good friend from our sending church in Washington State), saw no red flags were raised and they both felt the care I was receiving seemed to be sound but agreed that the care in the States would be better.
Just as all the preparations for a medical evacuation flight were complete and about to be put in motion, Dr. Cervantes shared with Lynn that my condition had improved and he wanted to awaken me from the coma, and recommended that we remain in Belize rather than evacuate to the States. He felt that, all things considered, that would be the best course of action. Lynn agreed and we did not go to the States at that time.
The next two weeks brought gradual improvement and I can remember some of what occurred during that time, especially some of the events that ended up not actually happening. What was actually happening however, was that I was agitated, confused, and far from pleasant to be around – at times downright mean. I was not dead, but I was not myself.
6
“Thousands were praying from all over the world”
One of the most significant phenomena enveloping this season of uncertainty was, and continues to be, the place of prayer. Lynn spent hours communicating with countless people, writing regular Facebook posts, seeking prayer, and crying out to the Lord. Through her efforts, and God’s leading, thousands were praying from all over the world. Someone in particular who has significantly impacted our lives is our friend Nancy Frederick. She has inspired and encouraged us, spoken into our lives, and consistently pointed us to Jesus. Lynn and Nancy spent good time over the phone together while I was in the hospital and she prayerfully spoke powerful words over the whole situation and for Lynn personally. Nancy’s prayers along with those of very many others, surely ushered in the hand of God in my healing and gave Lynn the strength and encouragement she needed to get through this horrific ordeal.
7
“…irrationality he saw in his father…”
Jessie, our youngest, was here with us in Kona for a time recently. She and I talked a bit about the past ten years. She was 14 when we went horseback riding and for a lot of her growing up, was unsure if her dad was going to have a good day or bad, good moment or bad – always in the process of healing but often not fun to be around. I can only imagine how unsettling that would have been for her. When I talk with Josh, he talks about what it was like for him to see the different ways people handle conflict. He also empathetically cogitates what it must have been like for me. Will (Cameron) our oldest, reflects on the past ten years recalling times of uncertainty he experienced, wondering how to respond to the uneven rationality he saw in his father. Again, looking back, what my family went through would not have been at all easy. I am so thankful for their love, support, patience, and closeness as our family remained tight through it all. It is fascinating to consider that Lynn and the kids understood me and the reality of the situation far better than I did, and perhaps still do.
8
“I am not a basket case – at least I don’t think I am”
Physiologically, I have a traumatic brain injury (TBI) with five encephalalgic voids in my brain (encephalalgia is the process of damaging or destroying tissue as blood recedes from an area where it has accumulated). These small areas of dead tissue are scattered throughout my brain which have affected or are affecting balance, emotion, taste, decision making / inhibition, and anxiety. Cognition in general was not affected. In fact, beginning a little more than a year after the accident, I went back to school (mostly online) and in five years, had received two different graduate degrees. The teaching and travel part of my work with YWAM were eventually, again running at full speed. I am excited to have recently visited my 102nd country on this planet. I had an MRI about five years ago and then another just recently revealing nothing appreciably different with the physical state of my brain between the two scans.
My mind however, is far from remaining constant. I am not a basket case – at least I don’t think I am. I am rational, reasonable, and responsible – at least I think I am. I am alive, somebody say hallelujah – I am pretty sure that I am alive. I know myself to be an enigmatic mash-up of thinker/doer, and I think perhaps more of both as a result of the accident. But I’d say the thinker part has become more dominant. I have noticed an interesting change in the way I think and see things in that I see connections I don’t believe I had noticed before. For example, picture an hour-long conversation with a group of people consisting of a number of topics. Now, If I am part of that conversation, I will see the relationship between the different topics and unthinkingly connect or readdress them to make or reinforce a point. Interesting.
9
“If you’ve ever studied and pondered Plato’s Cave Analogy…”
Whenever my mom, dad and I have the chance to be together, we (particularly my dad and I) very much enjoy taking time to deeply into one interesting topic or another. One day a few years back we had such a conversation and drew some fascinating comparisons, made observations, and posed questions such as “what is the difference between the brain and the mind? Is understanding the brain, science – and understanding the mind, mystical? Where does neuroscience stop and matters spiritual start? Surely a consideration of the mind goes well beyond psychology. Surely talk of synapses, gray matter and neural impulses ultimately transcend that which can be quantified.” I love my dad. This conversation with him fit seamlessly into much I was thinking about at the time, and now, as I ponder the deeper elements of what has transpired over the past ten years.
What does it mean to think? Was Descartes on to something? I am finding myself exceedingly drawn to matters philosophical, particularly the metaphysical. If you’ve ever studied and pondered Plato’s Cave Analogy, or are familiar with some of Nietzsche’s ideas on perspectivism, you’ll know what I mean. I look at the following list of ideas related to being and reality (from the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy) and nod, “yeah…”
“Being is; not-being is not” [Parmenides];“Essence precedes existence” [Avicenna, paraphrased];“Existence in reality is greater than existence in the understanding alone” [St Anselm, paraphrased];“Existence is a perfection” [Descartes, paraphrased];“Being is a logical, not a real predicate” [Kant, paraphrased];“Being is the most barren and abstract of all categories” [Hegel, paraphrased];“Affirmation of existence is in fact nothing but denial of the number zero” [Frege];“Universals do not exist but rather subsist or have being” [Russell, paraphrased];“To be is to be the value of a bound variable” [Quine].This is a short and far from exhaustive list representing but one of many strains of thought that has gained my attention. This leads me to ponder the fact that I am one person, and there are nearly eight billion others living on this planet – what has their attention? Is their perspective on what is real more valid than mine – even though I am not entirely sure how to define my perspective; can they? What is your perspective on what is real?
10
“Is reality like truth in that there are varying degrees of it…?”
Everyone has opinions. I submit there is no such thing as truly unbiased. My objective in this section is neither to share my opinions nor attempt to persuade you in any way. What I hope to get across is the interesting relationship between my ponderings on reality as a result my experiences during and since the accident ten years ago and the way I feel when I watch the news or surf the Internet. Is this real?
Many of the questions I was asking nine or ten years ago had to do with whether thing actually took place or had brain damage and Demerol magically invented a new form of reality just for me. Some of the questions I ask myself now, related to current events, various movements, politics, social justice, and a host of others, are not all that different. It is interesting to explore the relationship between what is real and what is true. Coronavirus for example: The virus is real, but what is true about the worldwide pandemic the likes of which no one alive has ever seen. Statistics, information, facts, restrictions, politics, money, death, economies, fear, trust; how does one reconcile all of this?
Another form of virus also in the news right now is defined variously by whichever banner is flying most prominently. When the black criminal Floyd, was unjustly killed by the white police officer Chauvin, all hell broke loose. Emphatic about remaining on track, I ask, “what should we think about all this? In reality, the killing surely took place but what is really behind all the emotion?” Go deep with me on this. What is true, what is real beyond the facts of the matter?
Was it really race related? What is racism; really? What is white privilege; really? Is Colin Kaepernick, actually right? Is there an agenda behind all the violence? Is the reaction justified? What’s up with Antifa? Is there an issue below the surface that influences that which we are aware of? What’s up with the media? Can we trust it? What/Who is the media? What is real? What is spin and what is strait? We could easily expand this list of questions and fill volumes.
In summary, more deep questions. Of everything that we are aware of, which things are real? Is reality like truth in that there are varying degrees of it in any given situation? The best lies, for example, have plenty of truth mixed in so they will be believable. What should have our attention and what should we ignore, what should bring peace and what should stir us up?
The word “should” brings up another exhaustive list of questions. Before I accidentally go there, let’s bring these thoughts of the past ten years to a close.
11
“…all things work together for good; somehow…”
Okay, I’ll come back to reality now. I didn’t die in the accident ten years ago. I love being alive! I love my wife, my family, my purpose in life. I love my God. I do not believe that everything happens for a reason, but I love that in Christ, all things do work together for good; somehow; one way or another; even when we don’t see it or imagine that it is possible. Looking back over the past ten years, my heart is not filled with pain, anguish, discouragement, frustration, and anger. Those things have had a part, but a long time ago I stopped asking “why?” in favor of “what for?” Falling off the horse and everything surrounding that moment in time is part of my history. It affected a lot of people in a lot of different ways. It has certainly affected me, and not only for the worst. I have come to the place where I know there was no cat, but what it has taken to get there is profound and filled with pondermentation.
Maybe I’ll expand on all this and actually write someday. Perhaps. Thank you for reading this. Thank you for being a real part of my life. May God richly bless you.
I’ll leave you with this: In your own quest to understand reality, may you see God for who He really; meow.
Chris Toney
17 June, 2020 |
Chris and Lynn Toney
